When we think of someone struggling emotionally, we often picture tears, visible sadness, or an outright confession that something isn’t okay. But for many men, the signs of emotional distress show up differently — and they often go unnoticed.
This is especially true during times of stress, change, or unspoken pressure to “man up.” Oftentimes, we see that sadness isn’t always the headline emotion. In society, men are often socialized to avoid expressing sadness altogether. The pressure of hypermasculinity — this idea that “real men” should be stoic, tough, and unemotional — can make it even harder for some men to recognize or talk about their own mental health.
June is Men’s Mental Health Month, and it’s a good time to highlight the subtle (and not-so-subtle) ways the men in our lives might be signaling distress — without ever saying a word about it.
Hidden Signs He’s Not Okay
It is worth noting that these signs aren’t exclusive to men, but they’re common patterns we often overlook because they don’t match the stereotype of someone who is “struggling.”
- Irritability or anger: A short temper, snapping at small things, or frustration that seems out of proportion can be a sign of emotional overload.
- Withdrawal: Pulling away from social interaction, not texting back or communicating, or spending excessive time alone.
- Overworking or over-focusing: Diving deep into work, the gym, or projects can be a way to escape internal discomfort.
- Changes in sleep or appetite: Trouble falling asleep, oversleeping, or changes in eating habits often can reflect internal struggles.
- Substance use or numbing behaviors: Drinking more, smoking, or zoning out with increased screen time — whether that be with doomscrolling or even spending more time playing video games.
- Physical complaints: Headaches, back pain, digestive issues, or other unexplained physical symptoms may be stress related.
Avoiding the “Fix It” Trap
When someone we care about is hurting, it’s natural to want to help — but sometimes helping turns into solving. And solving can feel dismissive, leading to more frustration for both parties, even if the intention is love.
Instead of trying to “fix” his feelings or offer quick solutions, consider these ways to show support:
- Be present, not prescriptive.
- Just being there can mean more than you realize. Sit with him. Go for a drive. Share space without needing to fill it with answers. Sometimes not always mentioning the struggle is more powerful than trying to solve it.
- Offer safety, not strategy.
- Create an environment where he feels safe being honest without judgment. Saying something like, “You don’t have to explain anything, I’m just here with you,” can go a long way.
- Ask open-ended questions.
- Try “What’s been on your mind lately?” or “How have things felt for you lately?” rather than “Are you okay?” — which truly opens the door for a simple “Yes” though that may be far from the truth.
- Respect his pace.
- He might not be ready to talk. And that’s okay. Check in without pressuring. You’re letting him know the door is open, and that matters.
- Encourage, don’t insist.
- If you think professional support might help, gently suggest it without making it sound like a fix-it tool. Try, “If you ever want to talk to someone outside of all this, I can help you find someone,” rather than “You need therapy.”
Support doesn’t mean solving. Sometimes, the best way to show up for someone is to walk beside them while they figure things out. If you’re noticing signs that a man in your life is struggling — even if he doesn’t say so or may not even realize it himself — it’s okay to check in, to ask, and to care. To the men who are doing their best to hold it all together while carrying things they’ve never been taught how to talk about — you are seen.
Your silence doesn’t make you weak, and your emotions don’t make you broken. Needing help doesn’t make you any less of a man. Being human means having hard days, big feelings, and moments where things feel heavy.
If you or someone you know could use professional support, Capital EAP is always here to help. We have clinicians who understand these nuanced experiences and can offer the kind of care that meets people where they are. Call us at 518-462-6531 to schedule an appointment or learn more.
By: Nakisha Williams, MHC, EAP Counselor