The holidays are usually the times of year when families come together and visit one another. For some, this is just their nuclear family, for others it’s the entire extended family gathered under one roof. This can mean a lot of conversations, with some being easier than others.
Communication is a core aspect of our day to day lives, and when confronted with topics we weren’t quite ready for, it can be hard to convey or talk about what you needed. Or sometimes we even need to work through or around conversations if they’re more out of pocket than you’re comfortable with. While we can’t control how our loved ones or others talk or ask about us, we can control how we respond and how we represent ourselves. One of the best ways to imagine a conversation is that you might not have ultimate control over its outcome, but you do have ultimate control over yourself. If you can step away from the conversation feeling content with how you carried yourself and happy with what you said, that oftentimes is all we can do with certain people or conversations. To better facilitate said self-approval in conversations, there are a few techniques for talking through just about any topic.
One of the more useful and widely applicable conversation tools is something called I-statements. As the name implies, they’re sentences formed around your own perspective and experiences. For instance, rather than saying ‘Work’s stressful’ you might say ‘More work has been issued to me than I’m used to, and I’m drained from it’. While it might seem redundant, the core difference is that the I-statement is focused on what’s affecting you and how it’s affecting you. That simple repositioning of the sentence allows the conversation to center on your viewpoint and experience, rather than any others. Now, you might think that this is a pretty self centered way to have a conversation. Wouldn’t this just make others feel excluded or make you seem like you aren’t thinking of other people? The answer is a bit more complicated than that. I-statements are designed to deliver your perspective clearly to the other person without placing blame on anything or anyone else. In doing so, you inform the others about your perspective and how you got there so everyone can work from that point forward without confusion. Others can’t read minds and some may not make the same connections that you imply or put down, and so making them as clear as possible enables everyone to talk from the same understanding. Whether this understanding is explaining why you’re so happy about something or why you don’t want to talk about a certain topic, the practice remains the same.
Additionally, being assertive about what you are and aren’t willing to talk about is a key step to any conversation. Some people may be innately less inclined to say ‘no’ to those we love, be it for guilt or the expectation to answer one’s elders. That sort of pressure is as normal as most family dynamics are concerned, but what’s important to keep in mind is that each family member has their own preferences and desires when it comes to conversation. Some are willing to respect those preferences when told and others might not. In either case, conveying what you are and aren’t comfortable talking about sets up your preference about your own treatment. If they don’t respect that, then navigating the conversation might become a question of negotiation or redirection. The reason for this might be culturally based, family based, or societal based but for whatever the reason, navigation is possible with respectful moves. If they’re focused on asking about your relationships and you don’t want to talk about them, and you even say that you don’t want to speak on them, but the conversation continues, then perhaps pivoting to another conversation point will help. Rather than talking about the relationship they’re seeking you can instead pivot to other important relationships in your life and how they are doing.
By Jessica Seney, EAP MHC-Intern
