What is a boundary and why are they important? In this month’s mentor article we will discuss what boundaries are and how they can assist us with communicating with clarity and confidence.

Boundaries are limits we set for ourselves that define what we are willing to do, accept or tolerate. Boundaries dictate how we allow/want ourselves to be treated and how we treat others. Boundaries can be set in several aspects of life including work, family, relationships and in conflict. They also can be physical and emotional limits to help determine comfort level, needs and preferences.

If you notice yourself feeling resentful or drained by a certain person/place/situation, it may be a sign that you need to set boundaries. Other signs that your boundaries are not being respected may be feeling unheard, powerless or like you are walking on eggshells. The good news is that once you are able to recognize these signs, you can choose to create boundaries that can promote healthy relationships and improve your wellbeing.

Once you are aware that a boundary needs to be set, it can be helpful to assess your feelings related to setting boundaries. Feeling uncomfortable is completely normal. You may experience feelings such as discomfort, anxiety, guilt, insecurity or the fear of loneliness once a boundary is set. To help cope with these feelings you may choose to implore one of the following coping strategies:

  • Replace irrational thoughts with facts. For example, “taking care of myself is not selfish”. Reminding yourself of the facts can help you remain calm and stay in your rational mind when setting a boundary.
  • Affirm your own value. For example, “my feelings and boundaries matter” or “I am capable of setting boundaries”.
  • Utilize assertive communication. This means being able to advocate for our own wants, needs and feelings while still respecting and hearing the needs of others.
  • Explore your strengths. Make a list of your strengths and positive traits to build your confidence and revisit this list as needed.

(Taken from: Communication Skills for Healthy Boundaries by Dr. LaToya S. Gilmore)

When establishing boundaries, it is important to know if there are specific areas of your life that need boundaries. Below are eight types of boundaries that can help protect well being by setting clear limits for both ourselves and others:

  1. Physical Boundaries
  2. Emotional Boundaries
  3. Mental/Intellectual Boundaries
  4. Time Boundaries
  5. Material/Financial Boundaries
  6. Sexual Boundaries
  7. Spiritual Boundaries
  8. Digital Boundaries

More information and examples of these can be found here.

If setting boundaries is new to you or something you find challenging “The Book of Boundaries” by Melissa Urban is a great resource that provides scripts and a tiered system to setting and enforcing limits. The author emphasizes that boundaries are clear and kind rather than the misconception of them being mean. Setting boundaries can allow us to care and show up for people in our lives without sacrificing ourselves in the process.

If you or someone you know is looking to improve communication and set boundaries, know that there is support available. Our EAP team is here and ready to support you. You can reach out to us at 518-465-3813 to connect with our intake team, who can help you set up an appointment.

By: Meryl Tremblay, LMSW, EAP Counselor